In the summer of 2020 something in my brain clicked. Someone innocently referred to me as a woman, and something in my brain finally said “you know that’s not correct, right?” I had no idea where it came from, but it immediately rang true. Since that day, I have come to understand that I am a transgender man. The next couple of years were spent slowly coming out to friends and family, with mostly positive reactions. While my loved ones expressed understanding, some of them struggled to keep their promise of support. For the next two years interacting with family was tense, as they would frequently misgender me, despite the number of times they were corrected.
Also in that time, I graduated with my MA in Sociology, got a social work job back in NYC, and began seeking gender affirming medical care. This was the most depressed I have ever been. My job was incredibly exploitative and stressful, I was getting misgendered daily, and I was starting to feel disconnected from my family. If I was going to survive this, I needed my family’s full support and understanding. So I did what I always do when I am lost: I made art.
The result of this desperate plea for allyship was the zine I’m Trans. A zine, as defined by Nina Nijsten in Scissors & Chainsaws No. 2: Diary Comic Zine:
Scissors & Chainsaws. No. 2 : Diary Comic Zine Made in July 2020 During International Zine Month by Nina Nijsten
My goal with I’m Trans was to quickly and politely inform those close to me about what transness was and what it meant to me. The responses were very positive; family members opened up to me in ways they had not in years. While misgendering still occurred, it slowly faded away from my daily life. I could once again show up to family events excited and grateful. I’m Trans was what I needed to create at the time for my survival. Almost three years later, rereading the zine makes me sad. I cannot help but read between the lines of polite explanation and hand-holding to see the suffering that birthed the project. The capitulation to cisnormative frameworks that defines the zine is not something I’m proud of, but I am proud of the work I did to keep myself whole.
The new era of suffering I have now entered is one defined by cynicism, anger, and radicalization. That’s why I made I’m Still Trans, a response to the original I’m Trans. (If you have not already, I recommend reading both zines before continuing this essay.) While I’m Trans was drafted, sketched, digitally illustrated, and professionally printed, I’m Still Trans was a stream of conscious, mixed media, and entirely DIY project. I wanted to challenge myself to be as authentic as possible, outside of the boundaries typically set for educational and artistic content. The result is a messy, personal, and at times unfriendly response to the questions I still do not have perfect answers to.
Normal - A Desi Queer Horror Zine (2019) published by Gaysi
Normal - A Desi Queer Horror Zine (2019) published by Gaysi
O-zine
My use of zines as queer expression and resistance is far from a novel idea. Gaysi is a zine “for queer desis that was formed in 2008. [They] hold space for queer folx from across South Asia to share their stories and experiences, while engaging with others from the community.” In Russia, where one can face fines of up to $64,000 for creating or doing anything the government labels as “LGBT propaganda”, O-Zine has been operating O-zine since 2018. Co-founder Sasha Kazatzeva said speaking to Huck magazine “Being young, Russian and queer doesn’t necessarily mean pain and suffering but a great deal of joy, pleasure, and beauty.” Creative director Roman Grint stated that “[O-zine’s] mission is to make society pay attention to queer people, to make them more visible.” Meanwhile in Beirut, Cold Cuts has been “exploring queer culture and the South West Asian and North African region” since 2017.
In November of 2020 ND Stevenson (creator of Nimona and She-Ra and the Princesses of Power) posted a comic zine to his twitter titled The Weight of Them, a chronicling of his relationship to his breasts and the journey he took to get top surgery. Being newly out, and unknowingly two years away from my own top surgery, it was life changing. Coming to terms with being transgender was very isolating for me; it felt like no one in the world understood what I was going through. So, to see someone older, very accomplished, and talented express the same confusion, discomfort, and joy as I was brought me a confidence I never thought I would have.
The Testosterone Survey Zine by Rena Yehuda Newman
The Testosterone Survey Zine by Rena Yehuda Newman
The Weight of Them by ND Stevenson
The Weight of Them by ND Stevenson
Then I discovered the [Testosterone Survey Zine](<https://renayehuda.gumroad.com/l/TestosteroneSurveyZine>) by Rena Yehuda Newman. This was a non-representative survey of transmasculine folks and their habits and attitudes regarding their testosterone use. Newman’s use of illustration, humor, and the scientific method was so inspiring to me; it opened up boundless possibilities for marrying my love for art, research, and writing together.
The possibilities for zines and other DIY art is endless. Its accessibility, freedom of medium, and boundless topics to explore make it a near perfect artform for those of us living outside the narrow margins of acceptable bodies and lives. With no publisher, target market, or profit incentive, we can process the pain of this social world and imagine a better one.